Where to take those high energy kids

All right, now that I've mentioned a list of places that are not so cool for taking your energetic child, here... my friends is a list of places I'd definitely recommend taking them.

• Parks (bring frisbees, balls, bubbles, bikes, kites, a friend's dog if you don't have one, anything that keeps them moving!)
• Playgrounds (an obvious choice, but remember to mix it up, don't always go to the same place...kids get bored of the same equipment)
• Kids concerts (many townships have local shows at parks or recreations centers for free!) 
• Indoor sports centers (ice skating, roller skating, indoor soccer centers, skate boarding, gymnastics places...many have "open or free play" days)
• Bounce Around places (inflatables...jumping, no BRAINER)
• Nature centers (take a hike, bird watch, do a scavenger hunt, throw rocks on the lake, go fishing, take photos)
• Indoor pool at the local school or YMCA (swimming burns off a ton of excess energy)
• Sporting events (hockey and soccer are great very fast moving games...baseball not so much)
• Horseback riding (high energy kids will use a lot of concentration to ride a horse and many love animals... it is a novelty activity as well)
• Races (car racing, horse racing, even 5K running activities...many have a 1 mile run run for the kids)
• Local animal shelters - do they need a kid to give the animals some extra love, or maybe some walks around the building, ask about volunteering with your child every other week

Places to go & Expectations

In addition to evaluating the enormous expectations you probably have of yourself to be a super parent to your super energetic child, evaluate your expectations of your child as well.

Don’t set your child up for the impossible, particularly in social situations. Many of us have experienced embarrassment and humiliation upon taking their child to an venue or event that is just not suitable for our high energy children... which in turn, often lends to penalizing the child and leading then to parental heartache and guilt over the whole circumstance.  So, from my own humiliating and embarrassing experiences, here’s my take on places that are NO GO:

Restaurants – particularly those not specifically geared to kids!  This is a big fat NO for children with excess energy. Sometimes we think, “oh maybe this time it will be different.” That mentality is just not fair to do to your child. That expectation that our child will sit still in a restaurant is completely unreasonable. I am not just referring to fancy restaurants with nice linens and candlelight…it could be any restaurant aside from one that is located in a Chuck E Cheese or one is totally geared to kids. Even going to a TGIF can be a nightmare if your child has excess energy.

Religious Services – Not recommended! For the most part, most places have a religious education program or daycare available. Take advantage of this. Asking a high-energy child to sit without squirming and making noise during a religious service is just not gonna happen. If there is a special family occasion where services are required, consider sitting in the back, on the end of a row and consider bringing etch a sketch or a draw and erase board, crayons, etc. to keep your child busy.  Give them a short spiel before it starts, but don't go over lecturing... it will waste your time.  Also, try to plan ahead that you will take you child out for a break so they can talk or move if the service is longer than 15 minutes.

Theatre/Shows – For the most part, no. The last thing you want to do is pay a lot of money for anything from Broadway show to a movie and walk out after 10 minutes because you child is jumping in the seat or lingering down the aisles. If the show is very animated, loud and completely kid appropriate, this may be an exception.

What happens when a family member is having a special dinner out? Again, don’t set you or your child up for failure. If your family insists your child be there and you know Joey will not sit for a 2-hour dinner at an Italian bistro for Uncle Carl’s birthday, speak up… suggest a kid-friendly alternative or possibly celebrating at someone’s house instead. If this is not an option, consider getting a babysitter for Joey and explain to the family that as much as he’d like to be there, you felt it was prudent to have him stay home.

This all doesn’t mean you will be banned from these types of activities FOREVER or that your child will be either. Just like when a child is sick and you have to re-introduce foods slowly…re-introduce activities as you feel you child is beginning to attain more self-control. Start out slow. See if they can keep their energy level at bay to suit the venue or occasion. Take each even as a step-by-step process. Have a back up plan and go in to it with the idea that you may only try to stay at the even for an hour or that you will have to take breaks or turns with your spouse letting the child go to another room or work on a different activity throughout the event.

Calling in reinforcements

Sometimes keeping up the stamina required to deal with a high-energy child is tough. We all need to know our limits.  No doubt, there is a time when we need to call in reinforcements.

As parents, we should take no shame in the fact that we, too, have needs and emotions. So many of the books I have read seem to gloss over the fact that parents get frustrated, parents get tired... parents are human too. Most of the time, they focus all the attention on what the parent can do to help the child, but what about what the parent can do to help the parent?

Sometimes, we parents, simply need to take a break. As they used to say, “it takes a village…[to raise a child].  And worst off, believing you can handle everything, all the time, may lead you into a state of stress that will take years off your life. Why do that to ourselves? We need those years so we can see our children graduate college and have their own children…and those whom we may also want to see graduate college.

So finding ways to decrease your stress level is paramount. High-energy children are even moreso a reason to know your limits and take better care of yourself. That may mean that you and your spouse or partners work out arrangements to step in when the other needs that break. Sit down and talk this through on a day when things are not that hectic. You want to ensure that the tone of the conversation is positive and doesn’t turn into a blame game or “why can’t you handle this?” type of conversation. Simply discuss a game plan to help each other out when the time is needed. Empathize with one another.  You are the team and the child's energy is the ball.  It's not the child...it's the energy.

Enlist other family members, either older siblings, grandparents or close friends to take your high energy child’s attention for a couple hours. Try to make it routine so that your child doesn’t get even more hyper at the notion of being with new people different nights of the week.

Take your break time someplace away from your child; go to a bookstore a coffee shop, a library, a spa…somewhere peaceful and quiet and remind yourself while you are there that you deserve this. Remind yourself that this is your time to cleanse yourself of all the stress, noise, commotion and excitement.

Secondly, evaluate your lifestyle and commitments. Are you overloaded with work, volunteering, housework and other activities?   Think about how you spend your energy every day. Do wake up on the go, running from the time you get up until the time you get home? Do you go to a gym, then hustle to the office, then to meetings and activities?

We may not know it, but we may be adding to a situation that is already a challenge. Our children need our energy first and foremost. Our children need our patience first foremost. If you are using up all this energy on other things in life, there is no wonder you have nothing left when you have to deal with them.

Re-evaluate your priorities and think about, what can I change to make this easier? Keep in mind this is all temporary. Again, our children will grow up, our time to do all the other things will be there. This is not to say we should sacrifice everything, some of these activities may be helpful for when we need that break…like being part of a scrap booking club that meets weekly or volunteering at a local greenhouse. These may help us recollect our thoughts. Just think of those activities that may be over the top or require more stress than needed. Remember, don’t expect yourself to do it all.

Take a new perspective

Take a minute...

Take a step back...

Yes, your kid is sometimes talks too much, runs too much, climbs on everything, eats loudly, rushes into every activity, gets bored too fast... maybe exhausts you mentally and physically. 

But wait, your child can walk...

Talk...

Think...

and is health-wise is essentially ok.

I take this minute and I hope you all do too, to remember that we are lucky.  We could have much harder things to cope with.  We could have a child who has cancer, or is handicapped.  My niece was just diagnosed with lissencephaly.  She is 6 months old.  The doctors have already told my sister that her daughter may never walk, talk and will likely be profoundly mentally disabled, and sadly if you read the literature, the life span for children with lissencephaly is also very short. Some don't even make it to 2 years old...others live on for years but in a wheelchair and only make sounds but no real words.

Would my sister like a child who talked too much, ran too fast or climbed on everything over this potential future for her daughter?  Of course!...  So once in a while, not matter how bad it gets when you feel your child is too active, too much to deal with... stop, wait...

and be thankful for what you have...

Now it's our turn

Our energetic kids can sometimes really make us crazy!  Sometimes they can suck every little ounce of energy out of us...and yes, it makes us grumpy.  We should not be ashamed of this.  We are, of course, humans too.

So I feel like there is no shame is reminding ourselves to do something nice and special for ourselves once in a while.  We do deserve it.  

If we have had a long day, week, month whatever with our energetic kid(s), then heck, go out and treat yourself.  Call a babysitter and take time to go out alone or with your significant other and do something you like to do...whether it be shopping, having a salon day, or just taking a walk.  

We should really try to do something nice for ourselves every day.  Why?   Because it makes us better moms, dads, spouses... and don't feel guilty about even sending your child to school one day while you stay home and just take a "mental health day."   It might not always be in the budget, but where there is a will, there's a way!  Ask another parent do to a share playdate where take turns with the kids and the other gets to go out.   This will make the difference in your stress level, heart rate, and overall health!

Be good to yourself and the rest will follow...you will be more patient, more relaxed, and all around set a better example.

Discussion: Labels

Having a highly active child often leads to labels...from friends, family, even teachers.  Remind yourself that labeling a child negatively can lead to poor self-image and esteem.

Replace things like these:
Hyper/Hyperactive
Noisy
Busy body
Loud
Obnoxious
Antsy
Bossy
Wild child
Annoying
Spazz
Pushy

With more positive descriptors like these:
Energetic
Active
Spirited
Happy
Ambitious
Playful
Silly/Funny (in positive way)
Social
Leader
Gregarious
Boistrous
Alert
Lively
Zippy!!!

Discussion: Ways to Help with Excessive Talking

Tips for Teaching Self control over Excessive Talking

• Talking Breaks: If you have a child that talks excessively, teach them about “talking breaks”- this is a period where it is time to stop and take a break. Get out a kitchen timer and set it for 1 minute, then 2 minutes… have them build up to learning how to control their talking for longer and longer periods. Don’t punish when they don’t succeed… instead reward when they do. Start short, with an amount of time that is achievable, and explain to them the process, “Joey, we are going to try a talking break for 1 minute and if you do not talk for the whole minute, you will receive…(a lollipop, a point, an extra story…)”

• Three Question Limit: If your child asks too many questions, especially impulsively without really listening to the answers, try the 3-question limit. This will help encourage them to stop and think about what they really want to ask. Set it up such as, “Mary, I will answer your questions, but we are only going to be allowed to ask 3 questions at a time so think of your questions carefully because when we get to 3, we have to stop.” Again, if they can manage to stop and think about their questions, reward. If they still want to keep going after 3, simply state, “our limit was 3 questions and you asked them already” and quickly re-direct them to an activity, especially the first few times you do this. Often these children get so focus and determined to keep going, so state your purpose and quickly change the topic or scenery.

Tips for working with schools

Numero Uno....Make a plan to work with their teacher. Stay in close contact. Regular updates are better than being out of the loop. If you child was talking non-stop that day and disturbing the class, you need to know. This can help you gear your evening into working with them for the next days.


Secondly, let them know you are trying different activities at home to work on their behavior. Inform them of your core values and goals you have for your child. Stress to them that it is a step-by-step process, a process that will take time and patience and that you are working on it. And of course wholeheartedly thank them in advance for their patience because they are spending a full day with your child...in addition to 10, 15, even 20 other kids.

Activities to suggest to the teacher for in the classroom:

- Having your child seated next to a quieter child — this will likely decrease their motivation to over-talk in the classroom and will also provide an example to them of how to behave. Two overactive children next to one another is a disaster waiting to happen.


- Allowing your child to roll a ball or play with some other tactile instrument at their desk – this keeps their hands busy when they need to move and is less of a distraction than fidgeting or getting out of seat.


- Giving your child more opportunities to physically get out of their chair such as run errands, help sharpen pencils, erase the chalkboard, pick up extra items...

- No recess restrictions. It makes absolutely no sense to penalize a overactive child by taking away their only opportunity to go outside and get fresh air. This is so desperately necessary that it should not be used as a punishment, especially for not sitting still in the first place. Work out an alternative in advance with the teacher for when any kind of penalty is necessary.

Discussion: When to talk to a Therapist

Dealing with a hyperactive and impulsive child can be physically and mentally exhausting and no matter how many tools or tricks you use...sometimes it just doesn't cut it.  Sometimes, you need outside help, at least someone to validate your emotions of how hard it is to handle it.

Also, a therapist or counselor can another motivating factor for your child.  Let's face it, our kids have been listening to us for so long, probably repeating the same things, they have learned to block it out.  A new fresh person with expertise can add that extra push that you need to help your child understand the rules.  And even if they are essentially telling your child the same things you are...just that it is coming from someone of different authority, that may just make the difference in your child's behavior.

We finally enlisted someone after tirelessly trying to change certain behaviors.  We know he is not a severe case of a child that needs a psychotherapist, but perhaps just a counselor, someone to talk to.  Our goal is to have her help him understand that as he is now 7 and in second grade there are more expectations of him. 

The main issues we endure are his constant talking, blurting out and need to move all the time.  It has also affected his peer relationships in the sense that he "takes over" so in combination with the teacher and school counselor we are working on these things. 

The bottom line is when you feel it is time, you will know and no one should make you feel guilty about that.  Calling for help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign that you are smart enough to know when enough is enough.

Why it's Important to Express Energy

Realizing that these children must be given more opportunities to express their energy is crucial. Stifling it will only make them express it in annoying or harmful ways, such as fidgeting or developing tics. That's why giving them safer, more positive ways to express energy can not only nurture their development, but teach them to provide a positive outlet.

The Keys

The Key Factors to Remember in Parenting High Energy Children:

To have a happy, healthy relationship with your high-energy child it takes…

1. Preparation

2. Patience

3. Perseverance

Preparation is key because parenting a high-energy child is not a mindless job. It takes work to ensure that you can provide the type of atmosphere that your child will best thrive in, with the least amount of contention or conflict. It takes thinking ahead, planning and prepping. It takes having a little “bag of tricks” ready and available to use when we need it. Yes, we will need to set time aside to prepare for things we need to keep our child in check.

Patience. This is above all the most important factor since this is what we need on daily, even hourly basis to deal with a child with excess energy. Patience does not come naturally to all people. Some of us are short-tempered, impatient and intolerant of other people’s actions.

So if patience isn’t in your deck of cards, then it is high time you find a way to acquire more, either by learning new skills such as mindfulness, mediation or some other relaxation technique.

You must face the fact that your child is separate from you, they have a mind of their own and you cannot, no matter how hard you try, control their mind or their every movement. Just as you wouldn’t want a puppeteer standing over you controlling your movements, neither does your child. We need to learn ways to guide their behavior, but more importantly “deal” with the behavior so that our sanity and well-being doesn’t get overloaded.

Lastly, perseverance. Again, this is a process, a long process. Don’t expect to read through any book or website and get immediate results. Remember, what works for one might not work for another so try many routes.

Don’t give up or give in and say, “my child is just too difficult” or “this can’t be done…they just have to grow out it.” You can see and will changes. Not only in your child, but in yourself. So know from the get go that it takes perseverance, and that you must push forward until you find something that works for you and your child so you can better the relationship. Don’t expect a quick fix. And keep in mind that even when you do see results, even when milestones are achieved, that it is a constant process that likely go on until you child is ready to head off to college. So buckle up, it’s a long ride.

The Goals

Think in perspective. Kids are kids. Times have changed, but children have, and will always be energetic. Would you prefer a child that acted like a robot or sat around doing nothing? Then, something would be truly wrong.

Focus on the positive side. A child with boundless energy need not be source of headache and worry. A child like this can make the world a better place. People with energy like this can help build, create and motivate others.

Take advantage of all that excess energy you child has and let it pass onto you. Don’t think, “this will wear me down”—think, “this will pump me up!” It is true that movement and exercise actually gives us (as adults) more energy. Take your child’s vibe and use it to get you moving, whether it be to exercise, dance, or cleaning. This is why some people join a gym, to catch the energy vibe of those around them to get them moving. You get this for free, right at home with your child.

Realize that helping your child control their excess energy is a step-by-step process that requires patience and understanding. This patience and understanding must come from you as well as those around your child.

Don’t pressure your child to be something they are not. Remember who they are and that this energy is part of their inner being, not something they personally want to torture you with.

Don’t tolerate deviant behavior. Having too much energy is not an excuse to harm or do things that are downright wrong. Children can learn to work with their energy in positive ways.

Don’t agonize over what their teachers say. Teachers mean well and are likely frustrated because they have their hands full. Sometimes they can make a mountain out of a molehill, but keep in mind that what they see is not the end all and be all…you know the potential in your child and as the parent you must be the positive force they need to keep things from becoming an overwhelming issue when it is really not.

Introduction

Have you heard any comments of these about your children?

He’s a busy body!

He has no self-control!

She has ants in her pants!

She’s a real wild child!

She never stops talking!

He’s so annoying!

He won’t sit still!

She’s a spazz!

These are nicknames that could be thrown at them from friends, other parents, even YOU!

And sometimes, the descriptions are quite accurate; however, we have never really seen ants crawling in the pants, have we?  That would be scary indeed.

So after a few bouts of dealing with a child that literally doesn’t want to sit down, or stop talking or pay attention to anything for more than 30 seconds, you have decided to run to the library or local book store or online searching for answers, searching for help, and most of all, searching for solutions... yes, you are tired, run down, exasperated...wringing your hands in the air!

Well, being a parent of a “wild child” myself, I have been there. I have picked up tons of books about the “strong-willed," "hyperactive," "ADHD," "spirited” child and found that I spent the majority of my time just reading about the obvious…yes, my child is a handful and yes, I am going to have to learn to make some changes. But that’s where it all basically ended. The book would spend 90% of the time telling me what, and why, but only a measly 10% on what to do about it. I wanted solutions! I wanted to know what to do!

And not simply paragraphs upon paragraphs of descriptions of long-drawn out solutions but quick, easy to read solutions.   I was looking for a resource that had lots of them too in case I tried a few and they didn’t work…then I could at least go back and try more. And please, no more of the same old regurgitated solutions, I wanted new, creative solutions!

As we know, what works for one child might not work for another. So that is where the motivation to write this blog came from, to provide parents like you and me a resource of easy, simple, creative solutions to help manage your “bouncing off the wall crazy child.”   And I don’t say offensively… we all know the seriousness behind having a child that has a little too much energy, but it is time lift up and look at the positive side of all of this and not dwell in the negative. Children and their energy level are time related factors. After all, children do grow up.

Those few precious years will be by in the blink of an eye and yes, when they are older they will sit still at their jobs, while they are on the train, in a restaurant…they will. These things will naturally happen, with or without significant intervention. But we are here to deal with the now, whether your child is a constantly climbing 2 year old or a fidgety, loud 7-year old. Let’s deal with the now and take this one step at a time.